I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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