The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
