does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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