How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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