i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
