like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
