I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
