Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
