We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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