I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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