Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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