I'm really into asian looking animals
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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