fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
