Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
