Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
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