I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
