I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
