i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
