I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
