Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
