Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
