Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
