i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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