rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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