don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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