new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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