he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
