He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
