My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
