Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
