I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
