Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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