Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
