im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
