I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
