??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's official drugs can't kill me
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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