I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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