i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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