hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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