You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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