He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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