I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
