So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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