Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
