Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
