We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
