how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
