So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
