so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
