I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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